The concept of unconditional positive regard, championed by Karl Rogers,is a cornerstone of modern coaching theory and practice. The concept is simple, yet profound, embracing five core principles:

  • Accepting the client as a unique human being. Irrespective of how they think or behave, they should not be judged or evaluated.
  • The client does not have to earn the coach or therapist’s approval.
  • The person and the behaviour are not the same thing. The client’s feelings and emotions are the focus of attention.
  • By expressing warmth and respect towards the client, when we might instinctively project disapproval and blame, the client feels less judged.
  • Creating a judgement free atmosphere makes the client less inclined to self-blame, so they can examine their motivations and behaviours more objectively.

We know it works – most of the time. But it also makes the coach potentially vulnerable to manipulation. We want to believe the client is basically a good person, so we tend to downplay, forgive or ignore reprehensible behaviours. We are reluctant to accept that some people are malevolent players and we end up unintentionally colluding with their distorted narrative.

Rogers, of course, was fully aware of the need for balance in applying his principles. Unconditional positive regard does not mean being naïve. To avoid collusion, we must build our skills of compassionate scepticism. To avoid being played, we must step outside the coach-client relationship and observe the systems at work.

Some of the indicators coaches can look out for in balancing unconditional positive regard and compassionate scepticism include:

  • When the client is always the hero in their own narrative. A strong narcissistic trait, this may lead them to beguile you into accepting their narrative, deflecting the penetrating questions we might otherwise ask.
  • When there is incongruity between espoused motivation and action. For example, the person who projects an image of humility, yet can’t stop themselves from dominating a conversation.
  • When the client avoids or deflects topics that require honest self-criticism
  • When the conversation leaves you feeling exhausted
  • When you feel your own boundaries or values are in danger of being compromised
  • When you sense that they are rewriting their narrative
  • When they offer unsolicited praise that seems out of place or over the top. (A classic sign of manipulation that will only last as long as you are useful to them!)

Among our defences is our own self-honesty. Any time we feel uncomfortable in a coaching conversation, it’s useful to reflect:

  • Is the discomfort caused by a trigger in our internal systems?
  • Or is it the result of being enmeshed in the client’s systems?
  • What’s happening at the intersections of the two systems?
  • Is the client consciously or unconsciously manipulating?

Another practical defence is to keep in mind the difference between suspicion and scepticism. Suspicion asks: “Am I being manipulated here?”. Scepticism asks: “What evidence do I have that this might be the case?” Rather than focus our attention on our instinctive emotional reactions, compassionate scepticism allows us to step back and observe. What feels like an attempt to manipulate us may in fact be the client struggling to come to terms with something they are not yet ready to admit.

©️David Clutterbuck, 2026