There comes a point, at least once in a coaching conversation, where the coach feels instinctively that the issue is clear enough to pose a powerful question – one that will really make the coachee think and open up new perspectives.

Many times, that is exactly what happens. But occasionally, the coachee simply responds with, “I don’t know.” For the coach, this can be very frustrating, and it is easy to form the view that the coachee is just being obstructive. However, the “I don’t know” response can be one of the most powerful triggers for helping the coachee achieve self-insight.

There are several reasons for “I don’t know,” and each of them needs a different response. The coachee may mean:

  • “I genuinely don’t know, but I am curious to explore the issue further.”
  • “I don’t want to think about this – it’s too painful or too difficult.”
  • “I don’t know, but I have a strong perception.”
  • “I don’t think (or feel) that is the right question.”
    (So can we work on what the right question would be?)

The first step in moving the conversation on is to demonstrate interest in their state of not knowing. You might, for example, describe the four meanings above and ask:

“Which of these kinds of not knowing do you feel we’re dealing with here?”

Expressing the question in terms of feelings is important, because it distances the conversation from any hint of judgement or criticism of their thinking. It also helps to say:

“Don’t respond immediately. Take a few moments to reflect.”

If They Genuinely Don’t Know (but are Curious)

You can help them focus first on what they do know. A simple technique is to draw a jigsaw puzzle with blank pieces. Invite them to label pieces—starting either at the edges or in the middle—with relevant things they do know.

Then, using a different colour pen, identify the relevant things they don’t know and explore how they could find out.

If They’re Avoiding the Question

Start by acknowledging and validating their pain. Then gently prompt them to explore:

  • What is it about this question or issue that makes it so painful?
  • What kind of pain is this?
  • Where do you feel this pain?

If you meet continued resistance, be careful. You may be approaching deep-seated psychological trauma or a personality disorder—territory that lies outside the scope of coaching.

Give them space, and gently ask whether they feel ready to tackle the issue. If not—and particularly if the same issue recurs at other points in the coaching conversation—consider broaching the subject of whether they would like you to refer them to a therapist.

Often, the coachee will feel able (and relieved) to discuss the issue, because they now have a structure for doing so. It can be a bit like getting into a cold swimming pool—it’s uncomfortable at first, but you soon acclimatise.

If They Have a Strong Perception (but No Certainty)

They’ve already started the hardest part of the process. Helpful questions include:

  • What created your assumptions about this?
  • What do you want to know about this, and what would you rather not know?
  • How could you test your assumptions?
  • How would other people, whose opinions you value, see this?

If They Don’t Feel It’s the Right Question

You’ve been given a great opportunity for exploration. You might try techniques such as:

  • Reversing the question
    e.g. From “What do you want?” to “What do you not want?”
  • Modifying the question
    Add or subtract words to test the impact.
  • Changing emphasis
    Shift which words you stress to reframe the meaning.
  • Constructing a new question
    Ask the coachee to choose:
    • One of: Who? Where? When? Which? What? Why? How?
    • Then a verb: can, be, have, want, wish, will…
    • Then some nouns: peace, fulfilment, love, promotion…
    • And adjectives/descriptors: happy, successful, in control…

Now play with those words until a meaningful question emerges. You might even set them the task of refining it as homework.

Final Thought

Coaches report that working effectively with “not knowing” builds trust—not least because it shows the coachee that they (not the coach) are in charge of their internal reflections.