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A useful summary of research into successful online conversations, especially in group situations comes from Charles Duhigg,in his recent book Supercommunicators. He identifies four golden rules:
- Overemphasize being polite. “Please” and “thank you” defuse potential tensions.
- Underemphasize sarcasm and irony – the effect is magnified in an online meeting
- Express more gratitude, deference, greetings, apologies and hedges. Gratitude (e.g. “that’s really helpful”) makes other people feel valued and included. Hedges (e.g. “I’m not sure about this, but…”) reduce the sense in others that they are being pressured into agreement
- Avoid criticism – direct or indirect. Apparently, studies show that it, too, is magnified in its effect online and prompts others to respond in kind.
These rules apply both to the spoken word and to comments in chat. Chat comments, especially when brief, are more likely to be taken ill, as unfair criticism.
Other sources suggest additions to this list. For example, how the meeting is set up makes a difference, too. Being clear from the beginning that everyone’s opinion is valued helps to focus everyone on demonstrating good listening; failure to set such expectations is a tacit permission for some people to dominate the conversation. At the end of the meeting, asking everyone what they have valued from the dialogue focuses attention on positive contributions and behaviours – so minor irritations tend to be forgotten. Expressing curiosity about other people’s thoughts and perspectives helps to make everyone feel they are being listened to.
Thinking about online meetings as opportunities to build kinship and collegial relationships – as being more than just for making decisions – provides an underlay that facilitates all these positive behaviours. A fundamental question here is How will this meeting contribute to making us feel we are a team?
©️David Clutterbuck, 2024
