Fear of success is a common derailer for talented people in all walks of life. First described and researched in the 1970s, it was thought to be mostly an issue for women, but actually affects both genders. Its causes can be psychologically complex (for example, the unconscious association of the excitement of new opportunities with traumatic past events), but the impact is the same – people fail to live up to their promise because their internal self-talk convinces them not to.
This self-talk involves conversations such as:
- I won’t be happier, if I achieve this
- I don’t deserve this / I’m not worthy
- I am going to crash and burn – I can’t sustain this pace of progress
- Other people are much better than me
- I’ll be embarrassed at the recognition this will bring
- No matter what I achieve, it won’t be enough to sustain success
- If I achieve this, I won’t have any other inspiring goals to pursue
- Everyone will be out to put me down, if they see me do better than them
- People like me don’t have this good fortune
- Nothing I do will ever be good enough
- Other people are much brighter and more talented than me
- I can’t cope with the increased pressure and attention
- I feel guilty about what I have already
The consequences – and observable symptoms — of fear of success include self-sabotage, reduced effort in response to challenges, setting lower targets for oneself, inability to imagine oneself being happy and fulfilled, reduced motivation to grow, becoming habituated to relying on other people’s support and encouragement and constantly discounting one’s own achievements.
The coach or mentor can help them overcome fear of success by changing their internal narrative. Here are some practical tools for doing this.
Contagious successful thinking
The principle here is to create links between areas of life, where they are deservedly successful and areas where they could be (more) successful, if they chose. Ask them to list as many roles in their life as they can. (Work colleague, academic study, sport, community involvement, being a parent or carer and so on.) Reflect together on the following questions.
- What would it look like to be really successful in this role?
- What would it look like to be good enough?
- What especial strengths and qualities do you bring to this role?
- How could you use these strengths and qualities even more than you do now?
- What would be the impact on other people, if you did so?
- What would be the impact on you?
- How might you use your confidence in one role to bolster your confidence in another?
Challenging the negative self-talk
This is an approach people get better at with practice. The starting point is to recognise the fear as early as possible in a situation, before it has a chance to take root. Ask the coachee or mentee to writes a short story describing their fears and the feelings behind them. Discuss these, then ask them to write another narrative, this time focusing on their hopes and aspirations.
A key question here is “What excites you about this opportunity?” Research by Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School, shows that, to overcome fear, it is far more effective to tell oneself “I am excited” than “I am calm”.
Fear of success can derail either when someone fails to pitch for a new role, or when they are in the role and low their self-doubt to paralyse them. So it’s important to help the coachee-mentee develop the habit of finding and maintaining the excitement of their role, which is closely tied to their hopes and aspirations – particularly when these are focused not on outcomes for themselves, but on outcomes for others. Even if you feel undeserving yourself, you can be motivated to achieve on behalf of people, who you do see as deserving.
Other powerful questions
- How do you/ can you reward yourself for your hard work?
- How can you make yourself more open to and accepting of praise? (How caring of others is it to reject their praise?)
- What’s good about being you?
- How can you be more honest with yourself in your self-talk?
© David Clutterbuck, 2016